I have a sibling who would do well to follow an AA program or NA, but my sibling has not made that choice. Me, well I drew the Al Anon straw.

I may have written this before on this blog or perhaps on my twitter feed. At some point in my recovery process, I began to recognize that I carried many “Al Anon” behaviors into my marriage.

While I have been primarily focused on my recovery as a result of being married to an alcoholic, I now know I qualify as Adult Child of an Alcoholic. If there were a GCOA (Grandchild of An Alcoholic), I would make the grade there too.  I learned my best qualifying thought and behavior patterns from two generations of unrecovered Al Anons.

To give you a sense of how “Al Anon” I am, when I was a kid, I was a good student. Now, as an adult, I wish I were as good at unlearning as I was at learning. This is hard work, something I know I cannot do alone.

My sponsor has encouraged me to reach out to other men in the program. This week I thought I hit the jackpot when I found a Yahoo Group for Men in the Al Anon program. After I joined the Yahoo Al Anon group this week, I came across the document posted below which helps you diagnose whether or not ACOA programs might be of value to you. I hit 11 of 13 on the test.

After I read it, I immediately wanted to post it on this blog for two reasons.

First, many readers find this blog because they have googled terms like “alcoholic wife.” Many of the people I have met in Al Anon say they came into the program because their spouse was an addict and found they had family of origin issues too.  This is certainly true with my pathway.

My second reason for sharing the list of questions at the bottom is a real awareness I have come to with my recovery. As I look at the list of questions in light of my 4th step inventory work, it brings me a sense of humility that even though I did not cause my wife’s alcoholism, I may have made her thirsty on occasion with some of my learned behaviors.

At first, my list of wrongs against her was rather short. And for those wrongs I was even willing to admit, the idea of making amends to her seemed foreign. The reticence comes from a place of fear that if I ask for forgiveness, she will interpret this as a retreat from my boundaries.

This was a real clue for me that perhaps I needed to review steps one through three again. And, as I walked back through them and talked about my thoughts with a counselor and sponsor I realized that I had not fully accepted the reality of my wife’s alcoholism.

This is the magic I am finding in the steps. In accepting the full reality of my unmanageable life with my alcoholic wife, I was able to look at the resentments I carried against my wife and realize that I was using these in attempts to control her.

I reminded her about wrecking the car and how I spent my money to get it fixed; how she doesn’t follow through with consistent discipline with the kids and that I had to quit a new job to come home and take care of the kids because she could not stay sober.

My new awareness is that my carrying these resentments made it impossible to pick up compassion for her in suffering this disease and blocked me from moving forward in my own recovery. Today I’m gladly laying these down. I am ready to move on.

As I talk with my wife, I find I have a little more patience. I’m quicker to make amends when I have spoken to her harshly as I did so over the weekend. I recognize that I am talking to someone who is sick and cannot interpret what I am saying to her in a healthy way.

Now, back to my first purpose in sharing.

These resentments were tools I used in this stupid alcoholic dance my family has been doing for generations. Kind of a new twist on traditional dance. It’s one I’m not looking to hand down to a new generation.

Look at the questions below if you are wondering whether or not Al Anon is for you. Your alcoholic spouse may no longer be in your life and you don’t need the program any longer.

But for me, I realize I need the program whether I am married to the alcoholic or not and whether she is drinking or not. Here’s the laundry list:

The ACA “laundry list”. (Although it’s not technically CAL, they were “created” at a New York ACA/Al-Anon group)

Thirteen Characteristics of ACOA’s

1. ACOAs guess at what normal behavior is.

2. ACOAs have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end.

3. ACOAs lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.

4. ACOAs judge themselves without mercy.

5. ACOAs have difficulty having fun.

6. ACOAs take themselves very seriously.

7. ACOAs have difficulty with intimate relationships.

8. ACOAs overract to changes over which they have no control.

9. ACOAs constantly seek approval and affirmation.

10. ACOAs usually feel that they are different from other people.

11. ACOAs are super responsible or super irresponsible.

12. ACOAs are extremely loyal even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved.

13. ACOAs are impulsive. The tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible con- sequences. This impulsivity leads to confusion, self-loathing and loss of control over their environment. In addition, they spend an excessive amount of energy cleaning up the mess.

Photo Credit: http://www.kveller.com/

People of the Hebrew faith sing Dayenu, an upbeat song of gratitude at the time of Passover. The song written in the 9th century expresses thanks to God for the 15 gifts he has provided. The Hebrew word “dayenu” means “it would have been enough for us” or sufficient had God only given us this one gift of freedom from the pharaoh.

When I am alone and tired, I don’t always make good decisions. I crave fulfillment. My mind takes me around with worrisome thoughts. These thoughts bring pains in my gut and tension in my shoulders. I seek outside stimulation to get away from this discomfort. And these distractions seem always fleeting, leading to more “diss-ease.”

I put the word in quotes as credit to my Al Anon sponsor. He has helped me understand this discomfort in a new way. In working the Al Anon steps I am encountering my own emptiness, something I have avoided all of my adult life. Interestingly enough I see that it is entirely possible that the distractions and aversions I’ve practiced in my own life are not too different from the distraction my alcoholic wife has sought through the bottle. Perhaps the only difference is I don’t have the allergy to alcohol which she carries.

Her “diss-ease” is hers, not mine, though I have been affected. I have filled about 10 notebooks over the past 15 months writing as often as possible about how her alcoholism has made things crazy for me. At some point in the writing process, my focus changed from writing about what she does to what I do and what I think and feel.

In writing morning pages, my pen flows across the paper. I hope that the right word will stain the page, lead to the spilling out of the right sentence and then the complete paragraph which will complete me.

This written fury transformed to new awareness that there is nothing under my control which will assure my future, my kids future or cure my wife. There is nothing which will fix my past, change any decision I made or undo any wrong I committed.

There is no food, drink, audio book, podcast or television show that will fix me. There is nothing to fix. What I try to fix may not be broken. What cure I seek may be, in fact, poison.

The void inside is but my inflated disillusions and corroded attachments. I strive toward greed, attached to the view that life should feel good all of the time. I suffer from my own expectations. I hate my wife because she is not filling my emptiness. There’s never enough knowledge, never enough happiness, never enough peace, never enough comfort, never enough time, never enough money. Never Enough is the name of the growing gulch – my delusion about how life should be.

Yet the deeper I go in working the 12 Steps, I realize there is no right word, right sentence or fulfilling paragraph to fill the void or leading me out of this gulch.
With the help of a friend in the rooms, I wake up from the delusion to find the void does not exist.

I have what I need and I am exactly where I am supposed to be. In this moment I have had enough and never knew it. I will have enough no matter where I am or who I am with. My obsession with the alcoholic is part of my life. The peace I seek is within reach. In this moment, God is within. This is enough. Dayenu.

I’ve really come to enjoy learning from my Twitter friends about recovery. The #xa hashtag group is a must follow for anyone living with an alcoholic. This is a group of healthy people seeking their own recovery one day at a time. Their perseverance is impressive.

If you would like to follow me on Twitter, I’m at the same handle as this blog – @inneedofpeace.

While I write this blog anonymously, I have removed my mask with a couple of people involved with their own recovery.

I’ve learned that phone calls can be an important part of the Al Anon recovery. If you find my blog interesting, consider sending me a direct message about your story. I would like to expand my calling list to include more people who are dealing with an active alcoholic.

Peace to you.

I would love to know. Dilemma of An Alcoholic Marriage and the five guides are helpful, but applying all five into practice in one conversation is a big challenge.

Last night, my wife and I sat in our living room talking about our day at our son’s school. He’s failing three of seven classes. He’s not turning in homework. He’s acting out in class. He’s not writing down assignments.

“How do we get PD to take ownership of his own school work?” I asked my wife.

“I can’t do this alone.” She responded to me.

“I’m not asking you to do this alone.” I responded.

“But we’ve got to move closer to your work,” she said. “I can’t handle all three of the children, cook their dinner, pick them up from sports practice, get their clothes ready for the next day, make their lunches and help with their homework.”

“Honey, this needs to be shared responsibility,” I replied. “It’s not all up to you. The kids need to learn to take responsibility for what they are capable of handling and we share it.”

“But how can you say this is shared when you don’t get home until 7 every night?”

This is typical of the conversations I have with my wife. In fact, this has been her response for the 12 years in which we’ve been parents, even when I was able to get home at 5:30 in my prior job. I was never home soon enough for her to shift responsibility to me.

Now, my daily commute to work is more than an hour drive. I get home between 6:30 and 7:00 pm each night. By the time I get home the kids have completed their homework.

Last night I suggested that school clothes and lunches could be made after I got home or on Sundays for the week ahead. “That’s never going to work,” she said.

I then asked about having someone drive and pickup the kids from sports practices.
“You’re going to ask someone to sacrifice their time because you can’t get home in time,” she said before I could explain my idea.

“No, I think its entirely possible to find a college student or responsible person who we could pay $10 for a round trip from the practice fields and back home.”

“That’s nice, pay someone the boys don’t know to do our job,” she replied.

I stopped and said the serenity prayer at this point. After a deep breath, I told her I was fine with the idea as I could reasonably be assured that this person would not be drinking and driving with our kids in the car. “I don’t have the same level of confidence if you picked them up,” I said.

OK, I should have taken two deep breaths and taken another shot at the serenity prayer. I had reached a point of frustration in offering solutions to relieving the tension of caring for the kids until I got home.

Almost 18 hours later, I’m humbled by how easy it was for the conversation about how to help our son improve his grades got side-tracked to drunk driving. We couldn’t get past the third guide. Alcoholism is an awful disease.

There’s no magic wand to working with an alcoholic spouse to raise children clearly affected by the disease themselves.

I’ve tried being the dictator in the house, taking control and directing. That’s hasn’t worked.How do you maintain patience when the alcoholic is this active?

My sponsor is encouraging me to work these issues through conversation and process with my wife. How do you communicate with someone who only sees brick walls?

I would love to know how you might have handled problem-solving with your alcoholic spouse.

He asked me what the book suggested I do about my current situation. I couldn’t recall a single aspect of the book. I read it, but I didn’t.

In fact, now that I think about it, my main purpose in for in buying the book last year was to display it on my bedside table and read it at night for her to clearly (sic) see that something is bothering me. Nice, huh?

A year later, here’s where I am now. My wife is drinking as much now as she ever has. She’s back to liquor, hi-octane beer and plain lite beer. Each night she lays in bed with my six year old son, passes out for a few hours before coming to our bed.

I’ve grown tired of it. This is not the partnership I bought into when we exchanged vows. The whole idea of letting go in a loving way is difficult. Yet, I am in that early part of the program where I’m exerting as much self-discipline as possible, taking a leap of faith in what Al Anon has taught me. I recognize that nothing I’ve done in the past has improved the situation, so why not put a full effort into this program.

I would like to be able to talk about my feelings about her alcoholic behavior with my wife. But to do so in a compassionate way which also respects my boundaries. I’ve asked my sponsor for help in this matter.

So my sponsor, in the context of boundaries and renegotiation of the marriage contract, asked me to read this book and present the cliff’s notes version back to him. So here goes:

It’s me. I’m the problem.

For those of you who’ve never been to an Al Anon meeting or have gone and forgot to stay around long enough for your miracle to happen, this sounds stupid. The drunks and addicts are the problem, right? We keep things going; while the drunks are happy when the world is falling down around them.

Besides the obvious expectation, it sure would be nice if she stayed sober, I don’t know what expectations I have for myself nor my marriage to begin any sort of renegotiation. She was sober for two years, but still mean as a viper. Here’s what I learned from Dilemma which helps me get a little further.

Not all of the problems between my wife and me are a result of her alcoholism; and sobriety will most certainly not solve them. The way to find the right answers is communication based on love and mutual respect for each other’s individuality and concern for each other’s well-being.

My wife and I don’t communicate very well. My body language screams at her even though my voice may remain calm at times. She returns in like kind. I find that our conversations are mostly about the kids and what one or the other was supposed to do that day, but failed to do so.

The book offers five guides to communication with an alcoholic spouse:
1. discuss, don’t attack
2. keep your voice low and pleasant
3. stick to the subject
4. listen to their complaints
5. don’t make demands or threats

I haven’t practiced these very well with my wife. Her years of compulsive drinking has brought profound changes to our relationship. ML (my wife) is inhibited with guilt and I am wracked with anger and resentment for her not measuring up to the expectations I have for her.

Even though I’ve professed love for ML, our communication hasn’t been based on love or respect for each other’s individuality.

“Respect for each other’s uniqueness requires a willingness to accept in another what may not measure up to our own standards and expectations.” The writers in Dilemma go on to say, “this loving willingness requires a measure of self-esteem, an awareness of our own good qualities.”

I haven’t had much self-esteem and my awareness of my good qualities only comes when I milk others for complements. I’ve never shared any of my vulnerabilities with my wife. “A good marriage is that in which each appoints the other guardian of their individuality.” Having kept my emotional distance, I’ve never empowered my wife to serve in this role.

I have also kept my own feelings bottled up. In Dilemma, the writers talk about how dishonest it is to not let our spouses know how we feel about what’s happening. It’s but another way of pretending we accept the situation when we don’t really. And, in my approval seeking behavior, I’ve effectively given up this role myself. I’ve totally outsourced my peace and serenity.

If we want the alcoholic to face reality, then we must face it first and not be afraid to share our feelings, in a loving, respectful manner. We can say what we mean only if we have the courage to be honest with ourselves. We’ve got to know first why we are saying it. And this brings the focus back to me.

Finally, I realized there wasn’t much further opportunity for growth in the Al Anon program flying solo. I got a sponsor, not a moment too soon.

I’m working step one with him. In our conversation, I told him about the work I attempted with the steps and what I had posted about Step One on this blog.

His question back to me surprised me somewhat. It wasn’t about my step work, but about this blog itself. How helpful is it for my own recovery and how does this blog protect Al Anon’s tradition of maintaining the anonymity of the alcoholic in our lives.

Tradition 11 of Al Anon states:

Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, films, and TV. We need guard with special care the anonymity of all AA members.

I bring this up as a point of discussion.

My purpose is starting and continuing this blog has changed over time. At first, this was more about documentation and gathering evidence.  As I received more comments and emails from readers sharing their stories, I grew in my own understanding of this disease. I found more people just like me – in marriages they wanted to leave, but couldn’t decide if it would be the right thing to do for our children.

When my sponsor asked me to read a little more about Tradition 11, I responded saying I felt comfortable writing the blog as I know it has helped others find their way too.  But the prospect of becoming unmasked and consequently violating my wife’s anonymity unnerved me.  I’ve been reading over many of the posts considering his question.

In the meantime, my sponsor encouraged me to search out and discuss it with the friends I’ve made in the rooms.  Friends, what are your views about Tradition 11 and blogging the path to our recovery?

Many of you also tweet about your recovery. How relevant is this Tradition in this era of privacy lost?  Any and all comments are appreciated.

This morning I am grateful for the many writers who’ve shared their recovery experiences, both the husbands and the wives of alcoholics. I am grateful for the email, texting, tweets and commentary.  You’ve shared your pain and lonliness and have been willing to read and listen to mine.  Without your hope, optimism and clear thinking, I would still be lost.

This morning I am grateful for my friends in the Al Anon program whom I meet with and who take my phone calls at odd times of the day. They ask good questions.

This morning I am grateful for the last 10 days of my father’s life. It’s been six months since he passed on. The grace and mindful presence of his last moments give me peace and solace.  But there’s still a big hole in my heart.

This morning, I enjoyed breakfast with two of my three boys. My oldest is off with his buds exploring the world.

I am grateful for the presence of all three of my sons in my life.

I am grateful for my oldest who is beginning to learn how to relate to the opposite sex; girls are no longer evil, but interesting.  I’m less grateful for the Axe Body Spray he douses himself with these days.

I am grateful for my middle child who won the “Hardest Worker” award in the third grade.  He is my man for all seasons, knowing when to have fun, when to face the challenge and when to rest.

I’m grateful for my youngest child with his extra 21^st chromosome.  He continues to teach me that life is more than just a to-do list. His presence in each moment reminds me that life is to be enjoyed moment-by-moment for this is all we have.

This is hard for me to write, but I know I am a better person because of my wife’s alcoholism.

While I would wish it away at the drop of a hat, this experience has taught me to know me. I know better who I am and what makes me happy and less focused on making everyone around me happy. I’ve become less judgmental and more patient and compassionate.

For these things, I am grateful.

By the glassy look in her eye, slower speech and waft of cigarette smoke, I could tell she’s been hanging out with Virginia Slims and Sutter Home. And so I look straight ahead at the television.

I made a comment about a TV character on House who was pregnant.  When the actor bent over, she certainly did not look like she had just delivered a newborn baby.  My wife said, “wow, she delivered the baby.”  I responded, “By the looks of her ass, I don’t think she’s delivered any babies recently.”

My wife looked at me quizzical almost not believing I had said that.  She then responded, “feel mine and let me know if you think I’ve delivered any babies.”

Before I could stop I heard these words come out of my mouth, “bring me a 60-day chip and I’d gladly do it.”

After I said this, she got up off of the sofa and walked back to our bedroom. Walking away she mumbled something that sounded like “it’s clear to me you not interested in much these days.”

I don’t know if what I said was helpful or not. There’s been a whole series of these lame innuendos and attempts to get my attention lately. I’ve ignored most of them choosing to change the subject or walk away from her.

Was it helpful to me in my recovery?  At the moment, I feel fine about saying it.

But the question in my mind is even with six months of sobriety and after everything that has transpired between us over the past three and a half years, how would I have responded to her invitation tonight or any of the other suggestive moves she’s offered this week.

What are your thoughts?

I told him I had reached a point in my relationship with my wife that I no longer wanted to be married to her.

Whether she is actively drinking or not, I don’t see where we have much in common.  The only thing preventing me from filing for divorce is the health, safety and security of our children. Granted that’s also a reason to pursue it.

My wife’s alcoholism is mild compared to many of the stories I’ve read and heard. She’s never been arrested, doesn’t pass out at parties nor does she totally embarrass herself.  She embarrasses, but its far from a total flame-out.  It’s real milquetoast.

Yet, she doesn’t function fully. She does the de minimis to get by as a mother, spouse and employee.

For instance, I was traveling on business last week and was away Wednesday night. I came home Thursday evening. There were no bed clothes on my 5-year old’s bed. He wet the bed on Tuesday night. The sheets were still in the dryer where I left them Wednesday morning before I left for the office. As I told my therapist, this is mild neglect, if neglect at all. “What would her house be like for the boys if I weren’t living there,” I rhetorically asked my therapist.

And this is where I feel paralyzed. If I pursue divorce, there’s a chance the court will grant her partial custody. Having my children in her house without adult supervision is worse in my current view than the risks I face now.

“You feel like you’re trapped,” my therapist said.

Yes, I do, but I also know I have choices. I could file. But I’m not sure the timing is right for the children. Also, knowing my penchant for second guessing decisions, I wanted to make sure this was the right thing to do for me.

He asked how I would know when the time was right. I thought about it briefly and responded that I didn’t think it would be appropriate to file for divorce or pursue any separation until I have completed the 12 steps in Al Anon.

I thought about the statement I had made and realized I had not even selected a sponsor as yet. I’ve been attending meetings since last September and have not identified a sponsor. This needs to be my next step. Find a sponsor.

My therapist thought it would be helpful for me to reestablish some ground rules we had worked on when my wife and I were in marriage counseling.

In the past, she’s responded to parameters I’ve laid out regarding her drinking.  In fact, much like a teenager, she walks right up to the line.

Here are some of the agreements we’ve had in the past. No drinking or smoking around the kids. No driving after drinking of any amount. (She’s thought she heard me say no drinking and driving the kids in the car, so she’s driven drunk by herself.)  And, my therapist suggested I add that she can drink all she wants as long as it doesn’t occur prior to 7:00pm.

The challenge is finding time when she’s not drinking to have the conversation about our ground rules.

I asked her for some time today to talk about how I was feeling about things. I made the mistake of carrying my 5-year old’s school book-bag to the conversation.  It has his name monogrammed on it. She’s been carrying her wine bottles around in his bag since school ended last week.  How pitiful. She saw the bag in my hands. I handed it to her and told her that I had a good meeting with my counselor and that I wanted to talk about it.   And then the phone rang and off she went.